You know how sometimes, after eating durian, there are little bits of it left on your fingers and all those hard to reach places like under your nails and at your cuticles?
I’ve found a very effective way to clean them.
Get your dog to lick them off your fingers.

Nicky LOVES the fruit.

We don’t give him much, it’s a lot of sugar or something.

But… He’s my dog. He’s my dog. =)

One of the greatest perks of having to take Concerta is the weight loss. Now that it’s the holidays, I’m not taking them so often anymore. And I’m putting on a LOT of weight. A LOT.
It doesn’t help that all I do is eat and sleep all day. Going back to my holiday routine of eating cookies and milk for breakfast and lunch.

Some things have happened recently that has caused me to doubt the importance of my seeing the psychiatrist whom I see. I sometimes just get the feeling that he doesn’t really care. I wouldn’t really care if I felt that he didn’t care for me as a person but did care for me as a patient. But I feel that he doesn’t care for me at all, not even as a patient. That he sees me as this annoying little girl he can get money out of.
This is such a contrast to all the good things I had to say about him when I first started seeing him.
I feel he doesn’t get me. Like, I try to say some things but he doesn’t understand what I am saying. Maybe because he isn’t quite listening. Or I try to say some things but he doesn’t seem interested or puts no importance to these things. Sometimes, I feel that if I say something, he’s just going to roll his eyes and think to himself, “oh no, not this again!” And maybe he kind of has the right to considering I’m obsessive but some things are important to me and I’d like to vocalise them and I feel I can’t. Actually, I don’t want to vocalise them but apparently, I need to, or should.
And then there are times when I feel like all he’s doing is helping me solve my problems instead of helping to me learn how to solve my problems. This, related to my choice of uni next year.

Somewhat unrelated is that I was reading my posts in my previous blog. And I think I’ve not progressed much at all. All that I wrote then, I still feel now.
I do, however, think that I had/have a very interesting writing style. Ridiculously difficult to read, but interesting if you can read it from my point of view.

have been trying to polish my silver ring. Not quite working out. Any tips?

Ok, I think I am officially pmsing again. Wonderful…
I could kill something right now.
Sister’s in town, dad’s in town. The whole stupid family is in one house and it’s driving me insane. For so long, I’d been living in this dream world where only my mother and I existed. Where my mother, the most important person in my life, was supportive of all I do, and I supportive of her.
And now, reality comes peeking through. With the difficulties of life to go along.
That there are two other members of my family which do not see things the way my mother and I see things. Who do not base their belief system of Christ. Who know not love and only know of their own self-centeredness. Who believe that the world owes them something and is out to squeeze the whole humanity of everything it has, just plainly for their own benefit.
Yeah, maybe I’m exaggerating, but I’m not spouting complete crap either.

My sister borrowed my phone (to take to her to go clubbing) without even asking me. As she is packing her ridiculously tiny bag, attempting to stuff everything into something that would normally only be able to fit my phone, I tell her, “If you scratch my phone I will kill you,” in a tone not out of my normal. I wasn’t angry or anything.
But she gets all defensive and angry. “You think it’s my first day out?” and goodness knows what crap she says.
What’s the bloody problem? It’s my phone, I love it to bits, my whole life is in that thing. I think it’s ok for me to ask you to care for my phone. And it’s not as if I was angry when I said it.
Secondly, it’s not as if she has a bloody good track record with taking care of her belonging. Her own phone is battered up. If I was warning her in a stern tone, I have every bloody right to do it.

And in the car, the senses overwhelm me. My sister is talking on my phone, her voice high and scratchy as always. Her perfume is in my nose. The light glaring in my eyes. My mother talking out loud to herself as she reads the map. If Nicky wasn’t on my lap, I’d have yelled and walked out, or puked.

And then on the journey, she relates to us a story of the girl she saw at the MRT. Whom she describes as, “crazy.” The girl was apparently looking at her own reflection. Singing a song to herself without an MP3 in her ear. I half-jokingly say, “You sure that girl wasn’t me?” hoping that it was a sufficient hint to tell her to stop making fun of other people. And she goes on to use that five-letter word to describe the girl. “Crazy”
So I snap and tell her that if she intends to be a good counsellor, she really should learn to stop judging people. (she’s studying counselling psych) And she tells me that she doesn’t intend to be a counsellor. And my mother says she still has to do it for her practicum. and she says she can just pretend for those few hours.
And just thinking about this makes me want to get up, turn around, and hit her square across the face.
Yes, because we crazy people all just want someone to judge us but pretend not to.
Can she not just PRETEND to be sensitive to the issue of mental illness? Last I checked, her own sister fell into the category of “crazy”. Is if so wrong if all I wanted of her was for her to PRETEND to care, PRETEND to be sensitive. I don’t even need her to be an actual good person, just pretend to be one in front of me, for my sanity’s sake.

And you wonder why I want to kill myself? I’ve just been reminded of all the reasons why I don’t wish to stay here.

My mind’s all over the place right now. Never mix wine and beer (and concerta). I’m sorry, have I not mentioned that I blame everything on Concerta?
Went to a friend’s birthday party today. It was quite fun. This little girl, at what looked like her first time drinking, it was amusing. She’s eighteen, btw. She asked for a glass of wine then found out she didn’t like it after a sip. She tried to give it to someone else to drink and we were saying, “It’s just a little bit left. Just drink it la.” But she somehow took that as, “Just a little bit left, just bottoms up it la.” Just before she could, I yelled her to stop and told her not to do that. Ever.
I get red easily so they were teasing me. At some point, they say, “let’s test her to see if she’s drunk.” And before anything else was said, I, purposely (and soberly), burst out into weird evil giggles.
Have a headache now. Which reminds me not to mix.

I’m just tired. Feel like sleeping but sis is in town and we’re going for dinner soon. Don’t wanna go for dinner. Wanna conk out and sleep. Until Christmas. But dog needs a walk every morning. Stupid creature. He’s so cute. Every morning I wake up, and call him in my manja voice, he comes and licks me.
I’m sometimes quite glad I got a fat shih tzu. Because he cant climb up on top of the beds and chairs. If he was taller, and being as stubborn as he is, it would be horrible trying to get him not to climb up.
One of the things that irritates me about him is that I know he understands the commands I give him. When I have food in my hand, he does all sit and jump perfectly. But when I don’t, he just doesn’t care about the commands. And I know he understands come because I’ve ever done it before, when I was standing at my bedroom door right after I woke up and he came. But it doesn’t always work.
Have to say though, we went for a short walk on Monday without a leash. And he didn’t get lost. Was quite well behaved. Not exactly the typical dog you see who walks right beside the owner, but good enough I guess. Didn’t go running out in all directions. But then again, there were no other people, dogs or cats around.
Head hurts.
Back hurts.
Neck hurts.
Don’t laugh at me.
Bought the birthday boy a six-pack of Carlsberg. Costed me bloody RM50. Didn’t realise beer was so expensive. Then bought wrapping paper at MPH and had the girl wrap it for me for free. Yes, the girl at MPH wrapped beer.
Have I mentioned that I’m tired?
And about to go into PMS.
I can feel it.

I had a dream about Jyd last night. Except. I dreamt his name was Jiminy. LOL!!!!!

Uhm, so…

Am watching this stupid Singaporean chinese show. The boy’s mother is crying over her sick sick boy and the doctor tells her, “His condition may improve, or get worse.”
…
LOL.
Yes, that was enlightening doctor, thank you for letting me know. Without that five years of medical study, I would never have been able to know that.

Bought duck today. Roast duck. Apparently, it’s famous. Waited about 20-30 minutes in line for it.

Me: *chomp chomp*
Nicky: *looks cute*
Me: stop looking at me like that, I’m not giving you any food.
Nicky: *looks cute*
Me: go look somewhere else.
Mum: aiyah, give him a little bit of food la, he’s hungry la.
Me: fine. *gives a little bit of food*
And that is how the intercession of Mother Mary works. =)

I know I’ve said this many times before but.
Facebook is evil.

Picked two ticks today. Yelled at them, the ticks, for being disgusting vile blood-sucking creatures and angrily flushed them down the toilet. Same as what I did yesterday with the one lone tick I found.

Apparently, love is when you sew up a duckduck that has been torn apart even though it smells awful and is drenched in dog saliva.

And my sewing sucks. I seriously need to learn to suture.

Nicky has the cutest sleepy face in the world…
*sigh*

my stomach hurts, I think it’s wind.
…
I had something to blog about, I’ve forgotten what it is now…
Oh, right.
I had a dream about Yun today. It was in my house but it was her house and her parents were there and they were having a party with important business people so I was supposed to play good hostess daughter along with Yun. And I was sleeping then Yun woke me up cos the guests were here and we had to go out and greet them.
It was a party with a few parts to it. First the guests would come to the house and have a little bit to eat, then we will go out for dinner and then swimming.
So anyway, I greeted the guests in t-shirt and shorts. I’m not exactly sure why.
After that, I went to the room to get dressed. As I was standing there completely naked right before I put on my dress, Yun’s creepy uncle came in. She tried to ask him to go out cos I was changing and he said he won’t look. He just came in to look at some presents we had gotten which were on my bed. But I couldn’t change with him in the room, obviously, so I just held the dress on my front to cover whatever I had as I kept asking Yun to ask him to leave. Then somebody’s kids come in, cos they all wanted to see the presents we had in the room and along with that, their mother came in. And I’m like there, with my pink dress held to my chest but otherwise naked.
So Yun’s dad comes in and asks everyone to get out of the room. The creepy uncle at first didn’t want to live but then he did. And I was feeling violated so I got really pissed and subsequently cried. Cursing the uncle with my not very limited vocabulary of profane words.
Anyway, I get dressed. As I put concealer on my arm, Yun comes in.
Then when I’m done, we go out. I’m all teary eyed.
I compliment one of the important guests who was playing the piano. Then sit down with Yun and her parents to eat. It’s some vietnamese thing. I ask Yun to pass me a spoon and at the tip of the spoon, there’s chilli on it. I don’t know why. Apparently, we were waiting for Ho Ching to come. When I asked Yun’s mum if it was Ho Ching like Ho Ching , she laughed and said no. But this one was a pretty important person anyway.
At some point, we were at some carpark, all ready to leave. There’s a creepy important male business partner. I mean, he’s good looking but… perverted. He’s Yun’s mum’s ex. Except Yun’s mum no longer looks like Yun’s mum, I don’t know why. And he hits on Yun a bit. Lol. And there are four of us, children, waiting to greet him goodbye. He greets one and then he pushes everyone down on the floor and runs away. Just as he does that, a group of gangsters come out from an alley. I don’t know what they do but whatever it is that they do wasn’t good. The lady staying in the house opposite where we were standing then dumps spiders, cockroaches and rats on them because she was pissed off. She had bowlfuls of the stuff. Big bowls. Then there’s a tv with news on it, by this time we’re at home (or at least indoors) which talked about Spanish gangsters.
I don’t remember much after that but I think I woke up.
Lol.
I’ve been having really weird dreams lately, not to mention more than usual.
Last night, I had a dream about CK. Argh. It’s a lot longer than just what I can remember but one part, he’s in my bedroom and I’m lying down on the bed. And he tells me that he’s not going to fall for my suicide threats anymore and if I want to, next time I can just go commit suicide and he won’t care. Well, not those words but something to that extent.
At another point, we were in the lab. I think I was in there with Yun, I really don’t know. I was in there with somebody. The lab was otherwise empty. So Yun and I take high chairs to sit at the table to do some work which did not involve the rest of the class. Then she goes out for a bit, and bumps into CK and he comes in.
At some other point, class was going on. In the same lab. Except we didn’t have lab type tables but rather normal classroom tables. And although I was there early, I wanted to change seats, away from CK. He was seated at one of the tables. But the only seats that were available were in front of him and I didn’t want to be in his view. (no idea who was teaching, lol) So I went all the way to the back of the class and even there, there weren’t many seats. I finally find a seat next to Nicholas. (Nicholas (not my dog) is this guy I’ve known since pre-school. He’s from church, we used to live pretty close by and we were in the same schools and tuition together. Despite that, we’re not very close.)
The whole dream was to do with something about CK and I having some sort of a relationship but every time we’re in class, he’d be a completely different person to me so that no one would suspect anything.
Idk, it’s weird.
This same night, I also had a dream that I was at the doctor’s. No idea which doctor. I barely remember this one but the one part I remember is the part that I was really weak and I didn’t really want to leave the office. So the doctor half carried me out of there to the seat outside. But the doctor wasn’t some random guy, I don’t know what out relationship was but he really cared for me and sayang-ed me.

The previous night, I had another dream. About an African American guy whom I was really close to. This is in my KL house. And there was a fresh cut on my arm. And I had also written some stuff on my arm, which I can’t remember right now. And I was hiding it from him but then he saw and was really disappointed. And he asked my mother how she could let me do this to myself. And he hugged me as I cried, or something.

I’m blaming this on Concerta. I blame everything on Concerta. I’m laying off it for a while… don’t want to have more dreams.

So my pipe’s broken and my kitchen is flooded but that’s not what I wanted to blog about.

The plumber came over today, I was out buying my dinner so nobody but Nicky was home.
When I got back, I opened the door for him and he kept asking me if I was sure that nobody was home that it kinda freaked me out a bit.
He then told me that he thought he heard someone home when he rang the doorbell just now. He shared with me that when he came and rang the doorbell (which, btw, doesn’t work), Nicky started to bark at him. He then heard someone say “don’t bark,” and “come in,” and when he knocked on the door, Nicky barked a bit at him and then kept quiet.
You know how they say dogs can see ghosts?
The plumber asked me, “You not scared ah?”
And I laughed, scared for what?
Truth it, while I get creeped out pretty easily even when my logic side tells me that God will protect me, this time around, I didn’t get creeped out.
I know God will protect me but I grew up the typical Chinese Asian with stories of other gods, ghost posessions, toyols and the likes so it’s somewhat natural for me to feel a bit scared at first. Yet, this time around, I didn’t feel scared.
So I don’t think it was an evil spirit.
Honestly, I think it could be the neighbour. But that takes all the romance out of this post.
I figure, if Nicky isn’t scared, why should I be? Animals are created by the Creator and unlike humans, I think they don’t have the ability to sin against Him or worship other idols, or worship their Creator for that matter. As a creation of dear Creator, my logic is that if it was a spirit that was not one Nicky knew, Nicky would not have entertained the spirit. So it must have been a spirit who came from dear Creator.
I think it could be Jesus, or St Michael the Archangel, or St Francis of Assisi. My first thought was Mother Mary but apparently, it was a man’s voice.
I think it’s St Michael.
Because last night in bed, and it’s not as if you need to know this but whatever, I was *ahem* a bit turned on. And I had just gone for Confession last week, there was no way on earth I was going to masturbate on a Saturday right before Sunday Mass. But it was really hard, as in difficult not the other kind of hard, which it also was. But I managed to go through the night without… y’know. And I know I couldn’t have done it on my own. So maybe St Michael came to be with me last night and hasn’t yet left. Although I don’t think the concept of “leaving” applies to Archangels.
It could also be Jesus. But Jesus is always around and it wouldn’t be surprising if he was in my home. Considering I yell at Him to come all the time. (Yell with love, of course, lol)
St Francis was known to be really good with animals, but I don’t think he would’ve spoken in English. Not because he can’t but I just don’t think he would’ve.
So I don’t know who’s voice that was. If it was Jesus or an Angel or a Saint or even just my neighbour. But it’s cool.