random babbles
I’ve not touched the piano in forever. Kinda miss it. Yet, haven’t quite found the right time to play it. Every time I want to go, I get scared that I won’t play well again and get all frustrated with myself.
“There are a lot of things in this world to be afraid of, yourself shouldn’t be one of them.” I heard that somewhere.
Exams begin in two days. Woohoo.
I should mention that I just did this chemistry thing online, multiple choice, and I failed. I don’t know why it says 77% when I got 10 out of 22 correct. But hey, my record low was 3 out of 10 right? Ugh.
I’m going to die, have I mentioned that before?
I just don’t understand why the panic hasn’t caught me yet, the panic that exams are in two days. It’s not as if I don’t know exams are in two days. And I really don’t have that much time to study anymore. This weekend, I’ll be back in KL to visit my grandfathers. Well, two of em anyway. And the house I have in KL isn’t exactly the most suitable one for studying. That I don’t consider it as home anymore is just one of the reasons.
It’s that last lap and I need to sprint but all I’m doing is walking. And I’m not stopping only because I cannot stop time. If I could, I probably would have.
And this is the point where I shut up to stop sounding like a bimbo.
It’s Wednesday
Monday marks the start of my exams. The ones that are responsible for fifty percent of my grades, which, by the way, are only ok as of right now.
And I just watched Matilda. Watched it when I was little, don’t remember anything from it, watched it again. Maybe I’m not in a good mood, but didn’t enjoy it all that much.
That aside, the point I want to make is.
I haven’t started studying for my exams! I’m not exaggerating! I haven’t started studying, it I were to solely rely on what I remember from the year, I’m going to pass with miserable grades (except maths which I may fail because I don’t remember nuts esp from stats)
I’m not in Form 5 anymore, the things I study now are very application based and depend on a lot of practice. It’s just not something I can study last minute on. Can somebody please tell me that?!! Argh…
certainly you, a young girl, wouldn’t want to have to wear long sleeves all the time…
I don’t get it, I just don’t.
hannah montana the movie
just watched it, off youtube.
I’m glad to say that I’m actually quite over these teenage movies. Sucks that I’m old but gosh that was a bad movie.
I’m sorry, I’m sure if I was 14, I’d probably like it. But I’m not.
On a scale of one to five, zero for plot. (yes, I am aware that the scale starts from one) I wouldn’t say that the plot was predictable, I think there was virtually no plot at all.
What’s with creating the movie if you don’t have the plot? Just because everybody else is doing it? Why can’t a singer be just a damn good singer without having her own movie?
I used to watch Hannah Montana, the series, on the bus. It was light hearted, easy, no brainer stuff. But to sit through an hour and a half of the movie… not easy.
On the bright side, yay, little annie is growing up…?
adhd
do you have difficulty completing tasks once the challenging parts have been finished…
If you look at that and go “duh”… You know the answer.
And that bit about careless mistakes, I’ve been making careless mistakes all my bloody life! It’s not something out of the norm for me, until I am challenged to think about and then I go, “Oh, you mean it’s not normal?”
Often loses things: I remember when I first got my glasses when I was little, I used to misplace them all over the place and would have a hell of a time finding them. I don’t lose them now because they are always on my nose when I am awake.
Difficulty getting started on tasks: where is the lie drawn between inattention and lack of motivation (because all I want to do is, apparently, die)
Does not follow through instructions: reminds me about that time at Sb where my manager asked me to put the beans into the cabinet and I completely forgot until the next day.
On the bright side, I’ve learned coping mechanisms over the years, as one would have to. I’ve got a PDA. (I used to use Yun as my appointment rememberer before I could afford a PDA)
I still have difficulty completing assignments but my desire for marks thankfully motivates me a bit.
I’m still weird. Concerta so not working. But whatever.
(I’m in a good mood today as you can see)
random undepressing bits
I went to school one morning and burped and had the taste of orange in my mouth. I haven’t eaten orange in months and couldn’t account for the taste. A friend of mine asked me if my boyfriend had eaten orange recently, to which I replied with a glare. I just realised today that the fish supplements my mother’s forcing on me, the ones that say, “No Fishy Aftertaste”, has, instead, orange aftertaste. I know, something about citrus taking away fishy smell (learned this at some point in organic chem) but… eew… Why can’t they have no aftertaste at all?
Had a dream last last night. I was getting married, in the church. To James Lee. For the uninitiated, James Lee is the Mr Perfect I created in a novel I wrote in Form 2. He actually hasn’t been in my thoughts for a very long time now so I’m not quite sure why all of the sudden.
So anyway, the dreams kinda… well…
So it starts with us hugging each other, and my hands run up the back of his t shirt. We’re both virgins waiting for our wedding, which was tomorrow. So we wait. Then the next day, in church, somewhere when I’m saying my vows, I faint. He unzips my dress so I can breathe (gorgeous dress, strapless with shiny beads and sequins and a beautiful veil). I’m not exactly sure my dream is so technical but it involves my pupils being unresponsive. Anyway, so he carried me into the car and into the hospital where the doctor isn’t there. I’m not sure what happened after that but I wake up in the hospital with him next to me, stroking my face. When I wake up, I thought that I got so wasted on my wedding night that I couldn’t remember my “first time”. (yes yes you’re allowed laugh). Then he tells me that we haven’t actually done it. Tells me roughly what happened, or something. At this point, there is someone else in the room, I’m not very sure who it is but it’s a close friend of ours. We ask the friend to leave, and we do “it”, in the hospital, quite possibly on a bed someone has died in before. Except we didn’t get to do “it”, for reasons best known to myself. He got a bit angry with me, cos I “couldn’t”. But I think we were fine after that. We didn’t do “it” but we kinda accepted/understood it. Or something. I don’t know…
Yes, interesting dream.
I woke up that morning and as I remembered the dream, I felt all fuzzy and all day, I kept saying I wanted to get married. And while I don’t think I’m ovulating yet, I’m turning everything with very mild sexual connotations into something sexual.
My classmates have this thing about calling me rat. And one of these people have been having this thing about talking in baby talk. So at some point, she said, “Ana is wat” and I was like, “Don’t go there…”
Over lunch, we were talking about how I’m turning everything sexual and one of them asked me what I wrote in my Malaysian Studies exam. “Erections,” I replied.
If this is how I am while not ovulating, somebody please lock me up at home when I am… lol
Separately, I’ve uploaded a fail picture on failblog. Vote for it!
http://cheezburger.com/View.aspx?aid=2766945280
stuff and more
Went to IDP fair yesterday. need for university applications coming in. Don’t wanna, just don’t wanna.
Mum doesn’t let me go overseas. We can’t afford it, and she’s bloody scared I’ll kill myself. Guess it will cost a lot to fly the body back home.
malaysian studies test in seven hours time and I have no idea what malaysian studies is about. four chapters to sqeeze in. When I could be studying more important things for my finals next week. Pissed.
Hate.
Almost can’t stand it anymore. Want to just quit.
But somehow I’m not allowed to.
Haven’t gone for Confession for a while, don’t want to end up in hell anyway. If the act itself won’t end me up there.
I’m just… tired. Ok? Tired of living, tired of not studying, tired to keep trying to do things and failing.
Whatever I have of my malaysian studies notes are spread out on the table, untouched. All I care about touching is this computer and my Milo. I don’t really even care much about the computer, except this is my blog and I know I should write.
That said, I want to just slice my arm off.
I’m telling you, the fluoxetine isn’t working. Neither is the Lamictal.
And don’t bloody tell me I’m too reliant on drugs, I get enough of that from my mother.
For me, it’s simple. So what? So what if I rely on drugs for everything? She has sinus problems and whenever her nose runs, she takes antihistamine. I’ve got anxiety problems, so whenever I’m anxious, I take xanax. What’s the difference?
That for me, it “lies in the mind” and I “have control over it”? That I should just, “get over it”?
I have tried to get over it, by killing myself. And if I had control over “it”, I’d be happily dead by now. So shut up. Just, shut, up.
Call it denial, go ahead.
Who knows, maybe the psych and the psycho might even do that too.
But what would they understand?
Nothing.
The reality of the fact that psychiatry is such a new field, such a misunderstood field, means that nobody really knows.
Not me, not my mum, not the psych, not the psycho.
Nobody bloody knows what’s wrong with me and everybody is trying to “help” anyway. The claim it to be under the name of love. Like how stuffing a towel into the mouth of a person who has just drowned is done in the name of love.
Don’t give me that shit.
It’s stupid. You’re stupid. You’re all stupid.
Leave me alone!
Just leave me alone. In due time, I’ll die and rot away and be forgotten. And you’d never know the difference.
But I will.
stress
exams. one week.
have started taking xanax again because I feel like i’m going insane, which is impossible considering I am already insane. yes the psych knows. And yes, i know I should be trying to control my anxiety through non medication ways first.
blah blah blah. All I know is that I wake up every morning tired like crap, my whole body aching. And I live my day trying to scratch the skin off my forearms. Wearing long sleeves have become somewhat preventative lately.
This is my blog and I shall be honest. I haven’t started studying for the finals that are in a week’s time. I’ve scored fairly well for my last exams although not up to my standard (with the exception of Chemistry where I just plainly did not score well). I’m aiming towards above 90 for Bio, Maths and Physics and above 80 for English and above 70 for Chem.
High expectations. I’m an intelligent person.
