so, uhm, hai…
appointment with psych didn’t go to badly. as in it could have been worse. like, i could have opened his window and jumped out.
On the bright side, I gave him the letter I wrote. On the not so bright side, I kinda regret giving him.
I don’t know why.
He reacted pretty well to it. Actually, it really makes me respect him for having barely any reaction at all. Which reminds me of my first promise when I agreed to getting help, to not play psycho with an MD in psycho.
Thing is, I stopped my fluoxetine a week ago. And I told him in the letter. Stopping medication without doctor’s advice is one of the lastestest things I ever thought I would do so it’s a pretty big thing for me to do something because it’s quite high on my list of stupid-things-to-do-to-myself. So that was one of the biggies I wanted to tell him and I did.
I also told him about me being a “hypochondriac”, about how I think I have every psychiatric disorder known to mankind. And there’s this little scene that keeps replaying itself in my head. Of the tone of when he asked me “and what is ASD?” Like he was testing me to see if I really knew what it meant. (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
Completely unrelated is the fact that I think I saw his daughter today. Grown up. Damn, she’s HOT! I wanna turn lesbian and go after her, she’s THAT hot! *ahem*
SO ANYWAYYYY…
Life’s… life… I guess that’s about all for now. Have so much more to say but I’ll save it for another time.
more stuff
like…
appt with psych tomorrow, drafted a letter, not finished. I should finish writing it like… now. but… yeah. I’m having second thoughts on whether or not I should give it to him…
I’ve got a project which involves going to some stupid park somewhere to take pictures of plants and wildlife and write about their adaptations. Current possibilities are Tg Piai and Sg Buloh in S’pore. (yes, there’s a Sg Buloh there) But the location is irrelevant to the fact that I will be in a mangrove with classmates and I will be in long sleeves.
Oopsie?
Just when one of my classmates who knew commented the other day “short sleeves eh? that’s a change”
Slept from four thirty pm yesterday to six am this morning. life’s good.
there are times when I am proud of my maturity. and then there are times when I realise how out of place I am.
Adrian, the youth minister for Majodi, came to my college today. We had a talk. And now, all over again, I’m thinking of whether I should start a Catholic Students Society again. I’d love to, really. But I’m not a good leader. And I’m not good at starting things. And I don’t want to have more things to commit to. And I really don’t think that a mentally unhealthy person should be leading a student society.
I want to do His will. But I have no idea what His will is. Which makes me want to chuck Him out of the window and just do my own will. Even though that isn’t what I want to do.
And I should be writing that letter to the psych but I’m procrastinating by writing this nonsensical post.
moral education
so my teacher was on mc the other day and some other lady with pretty shoes substituted and gave us a general knowledge quiz with a hundred and one questions.
Put a hundred and one tough general knowledge questions and a bunch of college students together and the result is rather hilarious.
The first prime minister of Bangladesh was : An Indian also Samy Vellu
Mt Everest was named after: Mr Everest (in my defense, the correct answer was Sir somebody Everest, so it’s kinda close, XP)
Who is the founder of Singapore? : Goh Chok Tong
Who assassinated John F Kennedy? : He died?
(I can’t remember this question correctly but) Who was the one-eyed *general or something along those lines* of Britain? : One Eyed Jack also Cyclops
Largest producer of tin: Tinland Thailand (because tinland looked like thailand)
First person to reach North Pole: Santa Claus
On a less humorous note, the national flowers for England, Italy and China were asked for and I guessed randomly rose for England (because English Rose) and Lily for Italy (because it rhymed) and got those two correct. The correct answer for China is narcissus but I didn’t guess that right because my knowledge of botany is such limited.
Have a bio test tomorrow, not quite sure what I’m doing online.
Going back to KL tomorrow. Not quite sure how I’m going to hide the 5 lines on my forearm without suspicion. And I really really don’t want my mum to find out.
83 days
You were doing so well. 83 days. 17 days short of 100.
Profiteroles at Bakerzin with your best friend, that was supposed to be your reward. Lunch at Paddington’s with your best friend and her mum, your treat from your first pay cheque. Because it was supposed to be a celebration.
83 days. 83 beautiful days.
83 difficult days. 83 days of survival.
17 days short of victory. 17 days short of strength. 17 days short, 17 tiny days.
It’s ok baby, nothing can erase out the 83 days of success. Yes, you’re 17 days short of 100. But you’re 83 days anyway.
And I still love you.
We’ll start again.
Day 0 today.
We’ll start again. And maybe this time, we will at least get to 84.
We’ll try ok? We’ll try together.
I love you, nothing changes that.
I’m sorry Daddy, I really am. I love you too.
sunday
one dream, not more
one life, not less
one love and an eternity
and all I have it you.
one tear, not more
one cry, not less
one break and an eternity
and all I’ve lost is you.
Everything
and nothing
all at once.
I love you, I love you so much. And it hurts that I have no idea how to love you. If I could hold you for an eternity, I would.
Then there’s you. If I could figure out what went wrong, maybe it wouldn’t have turned out this way. Yet the hurts we shared, the tears I cried, cannot be erased and forgotten. I forgive you, but I’m scarred anyway. Besides, you aren’t mine to forgive.
And you, I love you too. I’ve loved you forever and I’ll love you forevermore. I’ll break as many times as you require, I’ll cry as many tears as you wish, I’ll laugh as many decibels as you desire, I’ll heal as many hearts as you want. I’m all yours.
I hurt, inside
where nobody can see
I hurt, just me
where nobody can feel
I hurt, I cry
where nobody will hear
I hurt, the pain
where nobody will know
If I could just,
just one,
please.
If you could just,
just one,
please.
But I have done,
so many ones,
so
If I could just,
just one,
please.
For you have done,
so many ones,
so
If you could just
just one,
please
I want to be able to look you in the eye on the fourth of June and tell you the truth. I want the truth to not hurt you. I want, so much, to do this. I want to do this for you, and for mum, and for Daddy. I want to be free of this.
It’s so hard. It’s so hard.
On some level, I understand that it hurts you.
On some other level, I cannot understand why and how you feel my pain. And how you cannot understand how it’s hurting me just as much to not hurt myself as much as it is to hurt myself.
Yet, I know I must gain control of this.
You don’t know what it is like to watch your problems flow out in a red stream, you will never know, and I must never let you know.
I need control of this.
rambles
once again, I need to write. I need to shit too, but that’s a bit irrelevant right now I guess.
ok… apparently, having a stomach ache is very much relevant to writing. ouch…
uhm, so… life… sucks. what’s new.
But being back in Sg makes it a little more bearable. Ate my favourite breakfast and will be having botak jones for dinner, yes, I m that easily pacified.
Have been off my medication for a couple of days because I’m self destructive like that.
Just finished a whole apple. Have been gorging on food like crazy. I’m eating non-stop. It’s as if it’s some sort of fight back of my system.
Chem test last week, wasn’t too bad. Bio test this Friday, I have an sneaking suspicion that I will not be doing so well on this test.
Wanting to watch Angels and Demons. I like controversy because I like to fight?
Overshot my budget again last week. I should go anorexia again, it was just so much cheaper that way.
Will eat a week old doughnut once it has thawed out.
If I don’t get diarrhoea, yay. If I do get diarrhoea, at least the calories came out. See, I do look at the glass half full.
Have an English presentation this week. The only reason I’m excited is because I get to wear my new shirt. (we have covered how I am shallow, yes?)
I thought this is my unfertile period (in literal terms of baby-making) so I don’t know why but the male species has dominated my mind the past week.
Spent time obsessing and being depressed over CK. I almost cried in Physics class the other day except that we got a break and I don’t cry. Was thinking about what on earth he did to me to deserve what I did to him. I’m still not very sure why I blocked him. Why I cut off all contact with him. Why I started ignoring and hating him.
When all he was doing was care for me. yun, can you please remind me why I hate him? Because I’ve honestly forgotten and there’s a part of me which wants to unblock him on my MSN list and tell him I’m sorry for being so childish.
He was sweet and he was the one person who continually tried to care for me despite me making it so hard for him.
I cannot forget how he tried to make me go for lunch with the girls. I know it seems like a small thing. But to me, it was an attempt to go against my will to make me better. I hate it when people do that because I know that I probably need it.
There’s a lot of pride in me as well. I know… I know…
And then, there are the other people.
For somebody who made some weird ass vow to be celibate and chaste, I sure have a lot of men in my life.
Was doing Bio on some chromosomes crap yesterday.
Women have 23 pairs of homologous chromosomes. Men have 22 pairs and one X and one Y sex chromosome. It would be good to note at this point that I am blabbering through bitchiness and my bitchiness holds no responsibility for being theologically incorrect. Men, are the mutated species of human beings.
Human beings have 23 pairs of homologous chromosomes.
People with Downs’ Syndrome have 47 (instead of 23 x 2 = 46) chromosomes.
And men, have 22 pairs plus one and three quarters.
The only reason they aren’t considered to be “disordered” is because they make up more than 5 percent of the world population.
Yeah, yeah, so I’m feeling depressed again. What’s new?
it happens every time i refuse to go out of the house anyway.
There are times when I wished the psych could live inside my head because that would make things so much easier for me.
if he was like a tapeworm in my brain which I could not get rid off, maybe it would be easier.
There’s just… a weird feeling inside of me. I don’t have a word to put to it. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s there either.
yargh…
updates
chem test didn’t go so badly.
went to watch movie with a couple of friends after. Watched Star Trek. I never really followed the series so i expected some geeky sci-fi film. I did get some geeky sci-fi film. What I didn’t expect was to actually like it. It was awesome!
And you know how geeky you must be when you describe Star Trek with the word “awesome”.
But I’m not going to be ashamed of it, because it was really really good.
And I like Spock. Ok fine, I like them all.
I sat in between two of my friends, both male. And it is here that I cannot comprehend why the cadets wear such SHORT SKIRTS!
I think there was drool on their chairs!
Anyway.
Star Trek also got me thinking, as such shows always do, about the beginning of the universe and time travel and space and… everything. It’s so awesome, it really is.
Yeah, sure, it makes so much logic that my tiny brain can’t make sense of it, but that’s what I love about these things. They challenge me, my thoughts, my logic, my senses, my everything.
And as I always do, I cannot help but be in awe of how awesome God is.
Time travel is something I’ve never been able to comprehend, and not something I comprehend, and not something I ever expect to comprehend. But I just can’t quite rule it out.
There was this bit where Scotty mentioned that space moved, instead of they moving through space. And I honestly don’t see what is so impossible about that.
And I know I’ve hypothesised before that space could be the antithesis of time.
But if we can move through space, and time can pass us by. Then maybe, maybe, there is a function that will inverse that.
Sure, existence as we know it may not quite make sense anymore.
But just because we don’t comprehend it does not mean it cannot exist.
And THAT is why I LOVE Physics.
i’m OCD for goodness sake.
you cannot fault me for being obsessive compulsive.
yes, sure, in your happy little world, the word to describe people like me is psycho. If that’s the way you want to describe me then fine, throw 25 years of learning away and call me that, psycho.
I accept that not all the things I do as an OCD are morally correct but what I did in this case, I do not regret. I was keeping myself safe on the internet.
Yes, there was a fair bit of kaypohness that was unrelated to my safety, I will not deny that. But I fail to see what is so wrong about it.
If you think it’s wrong, then tell me, teach me. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?
Or are you going to, like the rest of the world, label me psycho and let me be?
Because I honestly expected more from you.
