insanity… again?!
there are times when you look up at the sky and see the fluffy clouds and be awed by how the light brightens up the top of the clouds and the shadows and the bottom of the clouds create such a beautiful artistic contrast.
there are times when you sit in the car and refuse to put the seat belt on and with every traffic light junction you past, you hope that a huge trailer would speed right into you and kill you on the spot.
there are times when you look out your window and see the children playing so happily with their friends and all the pretty colours, oblivious to the problems that exist in my head.
and then there are times.
times when you pop four aspirin and try to slice your radial artery into a bloody mess.
I would blog about my trip back to Malaysia, up to Penang, and back. But there is something else occupying my mind right now.
I had an appointment with the psych on Friday that was when I realised that I do think I’m a lot less obsessive.
The medication has worked, I’m better.
I get the feeling he sees that too.
But what he doesn’t see beneath my non-committal smiles are the desires to slice myself into a million pieces, desires to jump and fall with a splat from high places, desires to tip gallons of alcohol into my system.
Nothing is worth my life. At least, not my studies. When I am seated in the office across from him, I can understand that.
Yet, when I am left alone, I cannot help but ask: What is worth my life? And What is my life worth?
Why is my life worth more than studies? Why should my life be worth anything at all? I am meagre, tiny in the face of the earth. Tiny, even, in the hearts of people.
Daddy holds me in the palm of His hand. And I guess in that sense, I should be worth something if not a lot.
Yet, if He loves me that much. Why is it that four aspirins did not lead up to sliced radial artery?
I don’t know what to do. I cannot decide whether I should continue being self-injurous and suicidal or if I should start to behave like a “normal” person.
I do not know what to do and I refuse to adhere to what the world tells me to do.
I probably know what He wants me to do, yet I still resist. Why?
you don’t know
you don’t know what it’s like to keep aspirin in your top drawer so that when you want to slit your wrist, you’ll go faster.
you don’t know what it’s like to want to taste nail polish remover just so you know if that’s the taste you want to have on your tongue for all of eternity.
you don’t know what it’s like to want to illegally buy an eff load of linezolid so you can take it with your fluoxetine.
you don’t know.
From Starbucks Malaysia
In my refusal to use the pirated software on my home computer, I am now savouring a delicious cup of hot chocolate (not even half as good as it is when I make it) in Sb.
Life’s… like that.
Had this amazing dream yesterday where I dreamt I carved a beautiful heart on my inner forearm. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, I won’t deny it. And I have been wanting to do it. Just… I’m quite certain the heart won’t be perfectly symmetrical and the scar is going to be there for a very long time, the scar of an assymetrical heart. Not sure if I can live with that.
Trip to Msia was rather uneventful. Left two hours later than we had planned to but hey, it’s a holiday. Then we got pretty lost in JB trying to find the college and all that. So we ended up really late and my mother doesn’t like driving in the dark on the NSE so we sped up to KL. =(
Nothing much else happened I guess. Zoned out too many times this week that I lost count. This whole studying thing is really getting to me, if I ever had any sanity at all before this, I’m losing it all now.
Honestly. Don’t know how I’m going to survive this. Don’t know at all.
It’ll be better. It can only get better right? Right?
dihydrogen monoxide- how aware are you?
“Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. “
Dinner with the youth team
I had dinner with the youth team last night at Dempsey.
I really love the way I love them. And the way I get so high when I’m with them. The way all my inhibitions are lowered. I’m not afraid of making a fool of myself. I’m not afraid of looking stupid. I’m not afraid of being me, because they are people who know me so well already.
Honestly, there wasn’t much alcohol drinking. I had half a glass of cocktail which was rather bitter so I didn’t finish it. It’s ice cream and alcohol, which is pretty interesting. We ate at some cafe that’s connected to Ben&Jerry’s.
For some reason, we were all too full when we were done with dinner and desert so we walked in the light drizzle a bit and finally settled at Dome for tea.
Jm and I had earl grey. The rest had chamomile.
We were like a bunch of IMH* escapees.
Jm was singing, “four calling birds. four calling birds. four calling birds.” over and over and over again.
Jc was going, “chamomile tea…” in a slow drawl, repeatedly.
Jl was sitting there oblivious to the rest of the world, happily knitting.
Which left M and I (I being anastasia and not the initial of another person) sitting there. We would have looked like the only two sane people at the table if not for the fact we were laughing so hard we couldn’t stop.
It was really all so fun.
I even broke out in chant in the middle of nowhere as we were waiting to go home. Started singing Ave Maria.
And I got Jm to sing Pie Jesu. The point is not that Pie Jesu was sung but that JM sang it. Pie Jesu is a song, sung by Charlotte Church, that is really really high. I can’t reach the notes. But we all know that Jm can reach higher notes than me despite him being a him.
I love the way it’s so easy to laugh when I’m with them. Not just that I can laugh because I am perfectly capable of looking like I’m cheered up when I’m depressed, but the genuine-ness of my happiness when I’m with them.
kohkohcute
I’ve been flirting with everything that moves recently.
But one rather amusing thing would be that I finally asked kohkohcute to marry me.
LOL!
My female manager was coming in for work so I went, “Hi Sexy,” just for fun. And kohkohcute, who was sitting behind where I was standing replied, on purpose, “Hi.” So I stared at him for a while with my eyebrows raised, then said, “Marry me.”
He was amusingly speechless. So I repeated, “Marry me.”
And then he said, “But if I marry you, I won’t be sexy anymore.”
“Ouch, that hurts…!” I replied.
“Oh, nonono, that’s not what I meant. I mean that married men aren’t sexy anymore,” he tried to redeem himself.
So I told him that married men were the sexiest of men. So he went, “excuse me, sir?” to some random guy who thankfully did not hear him, “are you married?”
LOL.
Twlight
Watched the movie because I didn’t have much other choice.
:Spoiler warning:
The plot was rather cliche, the characters uninteresting.
I have to commend the author, whoever it was, for not falling into the trap of a very expected ending of transforming whatshername into a vampire.
It pretty sappy anyway and it’s one of those movies that makes me smile and just want to watch it again for no real reason other than wanting to watch the sappy love scenes.
I mean, it’s really quite boring. Guy falls in love with girl, is perpetually saving girl’s life, over and over and over again because girl just seems too bloody useless to do about anything except name the phases of cell division. It’s painfully cliche. Right down to the apple dropping and him picking it up for her. I mean, COME ON! she is perfectly capable of bending down to pick up an apple that fell form her tray. *rolls eyes*
But what I honestly don’t get is all the drool going around Edward Cullen when Carlisle is so obviously HOTTER! yum. lol
dissociation
I hereby ask all ye faithful readers to forget the lack of posts in the last few weeks. Thank you.
So on to a new start, well, not a new start seeing that I technically never stopped at all. But well, I’m going to be a little more frequent in my updates for now. I will be away at an apologetics camp (very much looking forward to that) this weekend and next week tuesday, I’ll be off to my homeland. But apart from those days, I intend to blog a little more frequently so as to get my mind of last Saturday
I choose not to disclose to you the events that happened. And no, I am technically not feeling any better. But I will be fine because He will make me be fine.
Updates on my life:
I quit work. Ok fine, not officially. But I intend to because this week I… ok, nevermind this week. But like I said, I’ll be off to Msia next week so I can’t work until the end of the year.
And next year, I’m going back to studying.
It’s not set in stone yet, but that’s only because I’m being non-committal, but I’m going to study in Johor and come back to Sg for the weekends. Which is totally better than going to KL to study.
What this means is that I will have to one, learn how to drive again so that I can get around Johor. Two, live in hostel like environment and be independent. (You have some semblance of an idea how much I am hoping that my mum will allow me to have a room to myself). Three, still be able to come to all my church-y stuff in Sg where I’ve been so attached to. Four, still get to be with mummy, somewhat.
What I don’t like about this arrangement is that I don’t get to spend weekday nights with my mother which sucks because I she needs the company. I don’t want her to work until 9 pm every night and then complain she’s stressed and go kill herself or something.
And my not being around on weekdays would mean that I cannot serve as much as I would like to in church.
My not being around on weekends in Johor would mean that I cannot serve as much as I would like to in a church there.
But I guess overall, it’s pretty ok.
I’m thinking of doing MUFY, my mum’s thinking of getting me to so AusMat. We’ll see.
I still have that vague distant dream of doing medicine in Monash (Msia). Of course I’d love to go Clayton but here’s a little secret (that isn’t really a secret).
If I had the choice to go anywhere to study medicine, I’d pick Russia just for the sake of learning the language and the culture. I’d probably hate the weather but the thought of learning so much new things excites me. I’m a culture-junkie.
Next on the topic would be my trip to Penang. Does anybody have any suggestions on where to stay?
I will first start with a bitch about my father going as well. This was supposed to be a trip just my mum and I. Because I cannot forget what happened the last time my dad was on a road trip with us. And my mother agreed.
Then suddenly, she says that he says he will drive up with us there but he won’t stay with us or bother us while we are there. He’ll just go up to help my mum drive but stay with his friend. Which sounds fine and dandy except for the fact that it is exactly the driving part of the trip that I highly do not want him to be there.
If he was with us during our stay in Penang, the worst is that I walk away and ignore him. In the car, my options are to push him out of the car or jump myself out of the car. The latter being a lot more attractive but still, not very nice (as far as brain matter and intestines on the asphalt goes). Leaving me with virtually no choice except to sit there and… be angry.
I don’t blame my mother for this because apparently, she doesn’t remember what happened last time. When she told me that my father wanted to join us I told her straight off no. And stuff happened and things were said and I started crying. My sister was there, trying, along with my mum, to pacify me. At some point, I asked my mother, “Don’t you remember what happened the last time we drove to Pg with him?!” and she said, “No, what happened?” Then my sister sadly chimes in, “I remember.” To which I went, “SEE! THE KIDS ALWAYS REMEMBER! IT’S ONLY YOU WHO ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO KEEP GOING BACK TO HIM!!”
I really hate it. The last vacation we had, the one to Thailand, nobody told me my dad was going until the last minute when the plane tickets were bought. All along, I had thought it was just my sis my mum and I.
And now, yet again, his presence is being sprung on me. When we’ve already decided to go, the dates all settles, she suddenly tells me that he’s coming along.
I may have forgiven him for all the ass things he’s done but that in no way means that I have forgotten it all. And it certainly does not mean that I am going to be stupid enough to put myself in a position where I am vulnerable to it all again.
Ok, I’m done with bitching.
I just still can’t decide if I should be Christian and let him drive with up or if I should be smart and say no.
And then I’m just going to keep typing words so that the word count of this post becomes a thousand. Chicken stew baby carrots happy ducks in mushroom gravy… There’s we go, a thousand over. *grins*
NameThatDisease.com – The Disease Test
No idea who hawkeye pierce is but woohoo! It’s only one level away from doogie howser. And I got all the questions correct XD.
dammit, just when I am dissuading myself from going into med, something like this comes up. lol
I also did a namethatdrugs test and the only drugs i got correct were ibuprofen, Prozac and Viagra. The rest were mostly illicit drugs and I couldn’t name any, except, of course, methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
