still yargh but less
Maggots on the floor. I’m torn between wanting to pick one up and dissecting it and being grossed out.
I don’t know why, but I have tiny little flies, the kind that live in dustbins, on my clothes as well. I hung my CLEAN clothes in the backyard and when I wanted to take them in just now, flies flew about when disturbed. It’s so disgusting, I don’t know what to do with my clothes. Do I wash them again? Do I put them in the sun?
This anger will last for a while. I clean when I’m in a bad mood and I get into a bad mood when I clean. Go figure.
dont piss me off
shit. icky effing gross shit fuck ahrhjkjvnjds fjewhfjdvfdnvf wahroiewrjrefjnfjhwauhweoijfljqnljdfkjnvoudgf nf fsjhjshfjsnjsnnvosihjfcnsognaldnf;sn !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pms much? It’s not the right time of the month to pms but if i fricking die tonight then id like my excuse to be pms. instead on little brat who was too pissed off to live!
i just dont want ot do this anymore
breathe, eat. blink. heartbeat. the whole thiing.
room mate just moved in today. shes in the process of moving in as i type. which is fine. she’s alittle older than i am, and i’m hoping she’ll be nice to live with. im hoping we can br friend. but hten again. i just dont wanna
i’m not psised wit her, im relaly ont. im jsut pissed with the general fact that i have a orommate. once again. i was wihsing against all ogic that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t shift in. because hse hasnt shifted in for a week before this. i deserve this. i know. i deserve this disappointment if i keep hoping. i put myself in this situation to get disappointed and not I’m disappointed.i had this coming. i know.i know. just… pissed anyway.
and i was also cleaning the house today. there wwere fricking maggots on the flooor. MAGGOTS. MAGGOTS!
I’m just.. pisesd. ok? there are no words to describe me right now. there is nothing to describe me now.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjtiejfoiscnsoiuiwerhtjdtheitiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
nyeargh!
If you need to imagine how i feel right now. imagine me, pulling my hair right out from my scalp with my bare hands. digging my nails into my SKULL and hitting my head on the wall multiple times until something starts to bleed or my eyes pop out of their sockets.
i. have. issues…
14aug
my teacher announced that we will be going on a trip to KL on said date.
I raised my hand and asked, “can I go but not come back?” and only realised after the weird look he gave me how it sounded. I merely meant I wanted to stay there the weekend and not follow the school bus back.
slightly unrelated is that I honestly think that my teacher thinks I’m crazy. I declared “mental illness” in some form we needed to fill. Every time I make a joke, he looks at me funnily as if he’s not sure if it was a joke or not. And don’t tell me it’s because we have different humour. He and I have exactly the same humour, the kind where we make a sarcastic remark and not laugh or smile.
human beings and other complexities
Don’t like the whole idea of these creatures…
I don’t get small talk, social norms, etiquette, etc etc…
Why can’t people just be straightforward?
If you think I’m talking too much then just tell me so and I’ll talk less.
If you think I’m always not doing my part, then just tell me so I’ll do my part.
If I keep forgetting to pay you back after borrowing money from you, keep reminding me until I pay you back.
If I keep cracking lame jokes that nobody gets, tell me so.
If you think my English is pronounced funnily, correct me.
Why do humans have to pretend to take all the crap and then talk about the person behind his or her back?
No, nobody has been talking behind my back.
But that prospect of possibly being gossiped about makes me extra careful to fit into the social expectations of me. And it’s tiring. It’s really really tiring.
To have to second guess each move I make, each word I say, to make sure that it comes out the way I intend it to. To make sure nobody’s feelings are hurt. To make sure I don’t look like an idiot.
Seriously, I think I should be vulcan.
I’m born on the wrong bloody planet.
went for tri-varsity youth rally, Hearts on Fire, last Saturday. It was good.
It’s Monday morning now. I’m tired, so tired. And I honestly don’t feel like going to school just want to curl up to get another few hours of sleep. It’s a little weird, because I slept a lot yesterday, but I’m tired nonetheless.
My timetable’s a bitch. Monday is technically the best day out of the five, but I’m a lazy pig anyway. I finish pretty early on Mondays. And I only have four hours of lessons. But… sien…
There was a bee in my room just now. No idea how it got in or why, but it went out after I left the door open for long enough. I’m not particularly afraid of bees so getting to see one close up was kinda cool.
My ear’s blocked again. It’s really annoying.
Have I mentioned that I’m tired and sleepy? This is why I shouldn’t go out on weekends. I’m just not built for this kind of excitement.
sleepy
it’s 9.42 in the morning. I woke up about an hour and a half ago. I showered about an hour ago. I’ve started playing FarmVille on Fb. (Don’t ask) I’ve eaten oats for breakfast. Waiting for an appropriate time to bring the timtams out to eat without seeming like too much of a pig.
Youth rally tonight.
And really, all I can care about right now is the fact that I’m sleepy…
___
How do I explain to you the way I feel inside? How I just don’t want to do this anymore. How I just want to give up. How hard it’s been to get to where I am and not anywhere worse but nowhere near anything good.
How do I articulate into words these feelings which you will never understand? Feelings you’ve never felt before, feelings you’ve never even known exist.
How do I express to you the truth? The truth which I know will hurt you but is truth nonetheless.
I wish I had the words. I wish I had the words more than just pain and confusion and sadness. I wish I had the words that could magically take the feeling away. The words that I know do not exist.
The words which could stab without pain nor blood. The words which release without twitch nor tear.
crap
I scored 60% for physics. And I know I shouldn’t be surprised because I didn’t study for it. I spent the night talking to Yun and sleeping. It was the last of the exams and maybe I was tired. Or maybe I was over-confident. Or maybe I was blinded by my past successes. Whatever it was, I didn’t study and I scored 60%. I should not be surprised. I should not be disappointed.
If anything, I should be happy that I passed an exam I didn’t study for.
But I’m far from happy.
What is the feeling? Regret? Remorse? that I didn’t study.
Disappointment? That I’m not as smart as I thought I could have been.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I no longer know if this is something I do or something I did.
If I kept myself from excelling because I didn’t want to fail; or if I tried to excel and failed.
But I get the feeling it is the latter.
woes
can’t seem to sleep. Kept waking up throughout the night. It’s six a.m. now and my eyes can barely open.
Results have been not too bad. Got a 79 for Chem though which is one mark short of 80 so it’s a bit frustrating. English was not too bad. I was not the highest but who cares? I did get 23 out of 25 for the essay for which I am happy for. I get the feeling, however, that she didn’t mark to essay well. I read a friend’s essay and, not to be mean or anything, but it really wasn’t that good. He got over 20 too. I still have difficulty picking out points, I always have.
For the last two week when I was on holiday. I had no aches at all. Now, having survived two days of classes, I have a headache, a neckache, a backache and my shoulders ache too.
My housemates seem pretty nice. One of them made soup and gave me a bowl yesterday. Although I still mostly recluse in my own room, they are often out in the hall and it just doesn’t feel that bad. I have yet to meet my roommate though, there’s still that sneakingly selfish and hermit side of me that hopes she isn’t going to shift in but I highly doubt so.
I’m supposed to be on a diet because I’ve put on a lot of weight during the holidays and exams. I have, however, been eating like a pig. Bleh.
This post is a way of procrastinating my research project research.
I’m only two days into classes again and I’m already emotionally and mentally tired.
adhd-i
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, predominantly inattentive.
When just a few weeks ago, you were making a pretty mask which you now find ugly and want to throw away and uninspired to make it look prettier.
When just a few days ago, you were crosstiching everyday, determined to finish a 5cm wide pouch for your friend when today you’re too lazy to even look at it.
When just a few days ago, you were reading a really good Jodi Picoult book which you didn’t want to go to sleep because of it and today, you don’t feel like reading it anymore.
